Every day is Earth Day!

This poor child needs some help.

I wolb bo every thing in the world to keep awer world together like recycle wish I all ridy bo or you can. I Love earth Day did you know if you cut trees the world gets hoter?
I wold stop cuting trees so the world never endes and if you liter it hertes the erth I <3 eth if I was a cool girel gies I woldent kar
How cars
I do!

Even the leadership is weird.

So an added thrill Ms. Finished and I have at work is leading Student Council. This can often lead to some rather humorous situations, just like the regular classroom. Here are a couple choice tidbits from today's meeting.

Mr. Hatcher: And this is for all of you to come and make posters in my classroom that will encourage fellow schoolmates during testing. (And several subsequent sentences explaining the poster-making situation).
Stupid Annoying Girl With Too Many Questions ALL The Time: So, like, do we get to actually make some posters, too?

Ms. Finished: Are there any ideas for upcoming Spirit Days?
Fourth Grade Girl: Opposite Day, like when girls wear boys' clothes and boys wear girls' clothes.
Fourth Grade Boy: Man! You took mine!
Some Random Voice From The Crowd: Yeah! Like Anti-Gender Day!!!

So as previously mentioned, some of my students are onto Ms. Finished and me. During the meeting (which takes place during fourth-grade lunch), something catches our eyes. The something of course being Sally and Ramona, my little suspicious girls. Ladies, nothing scandalous goes on during meetings. As much as making out in front of 30 kids sounds great, we just don't do that. Sorry to burst your little bubbles.

Excuse me, you do what?

A particular chapter in Stuart Little shows the protagonist getting upset when his plans go awry. Talking about this with my Red Group was interesting, since several of them are the biggest fit-throwers in the class. I was not expecting this to happen though:

Mr. Hatcher: So, just because what he had planned with the canoe didn't work out, he threw a fit. What do you think about that?
Sheridan: He didn't have to do that. I'm not sure what we are even talking about, but I think I get it.
Hunter: Mr. Hatcher, I am like Stuart.
Mr. Hatcher: How so?
Hunter: I get upset when something goes a different way than I want it to.
Mr. Hatcher: (Praise Jesus you realize this!) Oh? Well we can see how silly that looks, right?
Kleenex Boy: I don't throw fits. When I don't get my way, I throw pussy!

No one flinched. Except for maybe me. Yet they crack up when I ask them to cut a "strip" of paper or to find the "due date" for an assignment.

What the hell does that even mean?

Also, the same stupid book just HAD to describe Margalo's appearance by referring to the yellow streak in her bosom? Really? Kleenex Boy loved to tell us all that this meant BOOB! while I was trying to define it for the rest of the group. When is Spring Break again?

But they look so sweet!

"A deer is a scavenger that eats rabbits." -Keira

WAAAY better than a pet rock.

My favorite writer is at it again, this time doing her best via short answers on a reading comprehension quiz for Salmon Summer.

Q. How does Alex spend his day before he goes fishing at Dog Salmon Creek?
A. He has fun at alaska. Alex also catch a Dog Salmon Creek and wanted to have the creek as a pet. But he could keep the creek.

Q. If you are preparing smoked salmon to eat, what step comes after you clean and smoke salmon? Why is this step important?
A. This step is important because you can go fishing and catching fish.

Now we are reading Wildfires by Seymour Simon and my kids LOVE it. There is a description of the Yellowstone fires of the late '80s, including how long-overdue rain is what finally put an end to the fires. To make sure the students understood this part, I prompted them with a question of "Was it the firefighters that finally put out the fires?" They all screamed "NO!" as if to say that I was extremely stupid. So I asked them who or what it was that ended the fires. Amid the sea of more softly spoken "rain," one boy, as though he were being saved by the Holy Spirit itself, lifted a hand to she sky and belted out a resounding "JEEE-SUS!" I love him just a bit more than I did.

Today was also April Fool's Day. They all came to class determined to fool me. Please. You will have to try harder than to tell me that you didn't get any of the vocabulary questions right. A) I wouldn't be too fooled because you are the one kid in class who definitely wouldn't get anything wrong. B) You are 9 and do not know how to lie very well. I totally got them twice though. Why? I have learned the delicate art of lying to children. And also, they are 9 and 10 and tend to believe you when you are their teacher. I guess I had the upper hand. I tried to get them to think of a good prank to pull on the Disagreeable Diabetic, but they all responded with "She's not that kind of teacher, Mr. Hatcher" and "She's too old. She'll probably have a heart attack." I love ALL of my students a little bit more than I did.

Could this be her "Aha!" moment?

Mr. Hatcher, Mr Hatcher! A spink is a waterfall!!!!

If this were not the most obnoxious child ever running to give me this wonderful piece of information, I would have enjoyed it much more. However, the more I have thought about that short encounter from earlier today, the more I realize what a great piece of material it is. After my initial confusion (don't bug me when I am prepping work and you are supposed to be independently reading), I had to sit down and think why I should know slash care what a spink was in the first place. And this girl knows I'm not her biggest fan, at least for today. But no, here she comes, running to my desk with a giant smile on her face. The same smile I ask her to get rid of when I am trying to discipline her. No, this one is slightly different. She actually feels good about something. She isn't just being obnoxious.

I realize after I send her to her seat, she had come to me last week asking me what a spink was because it came up in her reading. As I have not read every book in the class library (shocking!), I gave her the great teacher line of "Why don't you read on to find out?" Apparently this is what she has done. And to think I thought she never read.

I guess the real test now is whether or not a spink really is a waterfall. Anyone read Pippi in the South Seas?

Also, Kleenex Boy has been without meds for awhile now I think. Anytime I had my back to the class today he would jump up to the unoccupied desk in the classroom and do a little arabesque/acrobatic move. And he and Smelly Feet were the only ones who voted for a Disturbia dance party. Too bad. I was actually kind of looking forward to that.

*Sidenote: Someone outside my apartment is going up and down the street yelling "GilBERT?"* !!!!

I use my friends. Their names at least.

Receiving my pink slip and being forced to look for work elsewhere, I am faced with the task of revamping my resume and pulling together a (half-assed) portfolio. I have since found that my ePortfolio has been disabled. I'm glad I paid the big bucks for a nonexistent document. Meanwhile, I am trying to find any and all components somewhere on my hard drive or memory stick. I found a blog project I had to do for a technology class and was pretty amused at my lack of concern when completing work at National. Here is just a tidbit of the project:

Andrew

Week 1 Response

I am Andrew. This is about me. This is a sample word document. I am in second grade. I like eggplant. I do not like salmon. This is the end of my piece.

Click Here to Go to Andrew’s Main Page

Click Here to Go to the Week 1 Page

Click Here to Go to the Table of Contents Page

Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger.

In preparation for reading Gloria Estefan by Sue Boulais, I had my students prepare interview questions for their favorite singer. Some of the results were exceptional.

Interviewer: Sean Interviewee: Freddie Mercury
Q. Freddy murcury how did you get your worldwide fame?
A. Well, I just tought some songs practice alot and did it in front of an adience.
Q. Have you ever taken a break from singing?
A. Yes I have, but not for very long.
Q. Do you think your career is the best choice you've made?
A. Yes because I started when I was just a boy.

The assignment was to prepare at least seven questions. No answers were to be included since we do not necessarily know how these singers would respond. Apparently, not all fourth-graders know how to follow directions.

Interviewer: Hunter Interviewee: Jason Mraz
This is newes 8 at 6:30. Welcome, today Hunter Modo toke a visit to Quallcomm Sadem with Jason Mraz who just sang I'm Yours.
1. Did you eventually get tired of singing!?
2. Did that song efeket your career?
3. Was the song sang worldwide?
4. How long is your contract?
5. Do you think you did good?
6. How many people came?
7. How long did you sing?
Now backe to the newes room!

Not only does this child include the required seven questions, he included a proper news greeting! However, beware of the attack of unneeded "silent e"s.

Interviewer: Sheridan Interviewee: Carrie Underwood
How long did you practice a day?
How many times did you practice before a concert?
Are you a worldwide singer yet?
Do you think you'll ever get tired of this career?
Did you ever sign a contract?
Have you ever demonstrated anything?
How long have you been singing?
Do you have a boyfriend? If you don't my teacher is free and he has a crush on you!

No need to explain why this was my favorite. My unrequited love for Carrie is brought up several times a week by my students. Sometimes funny, sometimes annoying, this time it worked perfectly. Way to go, Sheridan!

Also, can we please revisit the fact that a biography of Gloria Estefan is part of the Reading textbook? Amazing. Let's enjoy some of her greatest, shall we?

Mr. Inappropes

Today I shouted at my kids, "I have seen too many balls today!"

I chuckled on the inside. After some puzzled looks from a few students, one girl, a self-proclaimed tomboy, replied, "I'm sorry. I have a ball."

An altogether-too-with-it boy then mumbles, "That's just not right."

What to learn from this? Quietly discuss the need to put away bouncy balls on an as-needed basis.

A Beautiful Poem

In response to "The Lesson" by Della Rowland:

Rose are red.
Violets are blue.
You might think your dad is a coward but maybe he's not.

My kids are smart.

I feel like there was so much today. Unfortunately, my head full of Zycam and Nyquil makes my memory shoddy at best. Here are a couple snippets:

Q: What year did Christopher Columbus first step foot in America?
A: 1997.

Boy (reading a Reader's Theater about Abraham Lincoln): [blah blah blah] Gettysburg Address.
Girl: Oh! That was the lady who sewed the first flag thingy!

I need to control myself.

I told a kid they sucked today. I was joking. I think she knew.

Also, another kid was whining about how her mom lives far away from school and therefore explains why she is late every morning. I responded with a sonically perfect rendition of the important J.Tim line of "Cry Me a River." The kid then turns to her friend, who is in another class, and says, "He does that. He sings."

Barack Gone Wild!

Girl: Obama went to the beach and I saw his bresk!
Mr. Hatcher: His what??
Girl: His bresk! His boobies!

I bet Gayle gets to go to China for free.

My students are doing research reports on Chinese New Year. I was meeting with a small group who are specifically studying the ways in which people celebrate the holiday. When asked if they learned anything interesting, one boy shared this tidbit:

They go to a festival. They watch tai chi, lion dances, and Oprah.

No, no Little One. That word is opera.

Fab Footwear!

First item of business, I have changed my name to Mr. Hatcher so that I can keep some anonymity. How horrible would it be to lose a job because I want to laugh at the funny things my students do and say? Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby made careers out of it. I have to be a little more cautious.

Now for the good stuff. I heard the greatest thing today. My colleague who teaches fifth grade has a student in her class who may grow up to be a bit confused of his gender identity. Totally fine and besides the point when you are ten, however his quote is remarkable:

"You know, I really like Mr. Hatcher. He wears flip-flops on Fridays and my mom and I were talking about how refreshing it is to see a teacher really go casual."

It is good to know I am the topic of conversation for students (and parents!) that are not in my class.

Three Choice Specimens

Topic: You are on vacation in an unfamiliar place when you get lost. What happens before you find your parents?

Jamacia

I was yelling for my mom and dad. Then, I heard someone drowning. It was me, my mom, my dad, and my dog. We were in Jamica in 2009. I was lost with my dog in Jamica.
Then, I was fearless when I heard someone drowning, and I thought it was my mom so, I ran to see what happen and I heard this girl yelling Jon. I saved that girl, and she gave me 1 million dollars.
Next, we hiked up a big mountain and we saw someone. We kept going on and on, and they were my parnets. I was so glad to see them.
After, we were trying to get down, but we couldn't. I was very sorrwful, and brave for me and my dog to do this. It was mostly my dog because he found them.
Last, we got home, and my mom said, "I was very worried about you Kiera." "What kind of phone do you want?"
"I want the Juke phone mom," I said.

Untitled

"I have to find my perents" I shouded.
First I was looking at a fish that was jumping out and then my perents left and I got really sad then I was walking around and I could not find them then it got darker and then I got lost and I was really sad.
Then I found a house out side there was a blue high tire swing hanging from a dranch and there was also a red, slipery, bright, and bumpy slide I went inside the house and it was clean I was walking and I went and found a door inside a closet and when I openned it. It looked really different it took me were there is volcanos.
So I was looking and I told a woman if she has sene a woman that is wearing a red dress and she said no so I left I still did not find them I was really sobbed. Then I bought this thing that help find you perents.
Next I came again to the house and I got out and it take mo to the volcano and I found my perents I was happy.

Untitled

"Do you want to know wer I got Lost?" My sister tolled me if I Whant to go to Hollywood I said yes. My Aant Marta went with us to. We Left at 12:00AM - 1:00PM.
Finelly we wer ther my sister explimed evrething adout the self phon's, cried card's, slosc, Joels, make up I did not her so I went on.
Wen I went in Hollywood I did not see my sister lity and Matha. I asked the cacher so I called in my silf phon and the wer at the Joeles and I was serprised "I thought you life weth out me" "Frida saib. Frida tell me wer you are going OK". "Yes" said Frida.
"I know how you feel Frida I had that same feeling wen I was a kide ok". "thank you" "said Frida".
"I Promes I well not get Lost ever agin Marth", so I stad weth thim. the dout my a Blue Shert, a Pink Pants, a Pire of Close, goles, make up, hear stuff, a scert too.
I Thuaght I was lift dihind then I wanted to cry. But I was driave.

Bum bum bee dum

We had a field trip to the Gemological Institute of America on Friday. I truly expected more bloggable stories to come from this, but there just weren't too many. Or perhaps there were an overabundance and my poor brain couldn't handle it all. Needless to say, the class was crazy, especially on the bus. I have since found an idea for a class reward should they ever all behave for an entire week. That would be a dance party/sing along to this:

Please imagine a busload of nine- and ten-year-olds rocking out to Rihanna. Kleenex Boy is especially fond of her.

Brunch Party

One of the "perks" about being an hourly teacher is having the ability to sub in the afternoon for fellow teachers that want to go home early. More often than not, these teachers are in first- and second-grade classrooms. Now I have quite a bit of experience in both grades, and may even prefer teaching second grade over any other grade. However, jumping from my own fourth graders to unknown second graders with only the cross-campus walk between the two is not always the most calming experience. But it does give me a whole new bunch of kids to hear funny stuff from.

I had the obligatory "How old are you?" conversation with these guys. It's like, kids realize that I am younger than most teachers, but still do not understand ages at all. The first guess was 45, followed by 52. It got as high as 80 before someone guessed 29. I say, "Lower." They say "35." Is this a second-grade standard? Because, they need help. Soon, one of the smart ones decided to go by decades, and then finally came up with the correct answer. Still though, 80? Get your shit straight, boys and girls.

Also, both my own fourth graders and the unknown second graders had encounters with the word "brunch" today. In my class it was given as an example of a noun that adds "-es" when pluralized. I laughed in my head because I immediately thought about space mimosas. Then brunch was talked about again while the second graders were working on math. Honestly, I am not even sure how it came up. But they were having a little conversation with one another that went a little something like this:
Kid: It's like brunch!
Other Kid: Yeah. Brunch is breakfast and lunch put together.
Kid and Other Kid: (laughing)
Kid: I went to brunch once. With my dad.

I guess brunch is not only humorous once you are older. Who knew?

Time for some Mucinex

Kleenex Boy was talking too much today (as per usual). I couldn't handle it.

Me: Will you ever stop talking?
Kleenex Boy: No. I can't. I have a disease called talkativity. It's when you get a lot of sinus infections with talking and blah blah blah... see I can't stop!

Um, what?

#2. What are two (2) problems Marven faces in the logging camp? How does he solve the problems?

en aose cen en ressen no the no wess eres coineerenes uecns osere the os conos eres so n the wento the en e men bent.

or,

He does the Jakes period box, and he orgnisd them.

ew.

Cowboys, tissues, and exes. Yes, we took it there.

Conferencing during Independent Reading:
Mr. Hatcher: Yeah, these parts are kind of difficult to read because this character has an accent.
Boy: Why doesn't he just talk normal?
Mr. Hatcher: He's from the south. You have to get into it. He's a cowboy. They talk funny.
Boy: Yeah, 'cause they are always saying "Yodel-ay-hee-hoo" to everybody.

In reading group:
Boy: (playing with a kleenex; separates it into two thinner kleenexes and shows it off to the kid next to him)
Girl: (trying to share a book about minerals that she doesn't really know anything about, but at least she is trying and is interested) And this is like a sapphire or something and they have diamonds all around it.
Kleenex Boy: Oh those are for old people! I'm just playing. I'm gonna get one for my grandma when she's old.
Other Kid Being Shown Kleenex: Grandmas are old.
Mineral Girl: (trying to go on about other pictures in her book; the sapphire and diamonds were totally an emerald only)
Kleenex Boy: OH MY GOSH!! IT'S 3-PLY!!!!

As we are cleaning up and getting ready to go:
Girl: Is Ms. Finished your ex-girlfriend?
Mr. Hatcher: Excuse me?
Girl: Did you hug her before?
Mr. Hatcher: Uh... I mean, well I hug a lot of people I know.
Girl: 'Cause 'Sally' saw you hugging and she made up a song about you.
Mr. Hatcher: 'Sally', what's the song I hear you made up?
'Sally': ?
Mr. Hatcher: I hear you made up a song.
Boy: He wants you to sing (whispers in her ear).
'Sally': Oh... "Applebottom jeans and boots with the fur"...

*Side note: I don't know how 'Sally' has seen a hug? None have taken place at school. What the hell?

Apparently Kleenex Boy knocked another kid over at lunch, which then made that kid get all dizzy, which then made that kid's mom come to pick him up. Now Kleenex Boy has to spend recess with the Vice Principal. I wonder if she has kleenex.

Number 1, I don't care. Number 2, calm down.

Boy: Should I move to Texas, just me not my sister, when I am 14?

then later...

Same Boy: You don't have cable?! What do you DO all day? I just couldn't live like that. (followed by a lot of mumbling)

My Vacation to Neverland Ranch

A conversation being had at Table 8:

Boy: Mr. Hatcher, aren't you Italian if you're white?

Mr. Hatcher: ? (imagine a puzzled face since everyone was supposed to be independently writing.)

Girl: No! That's not true.

Boy: Yes it is!

Mr. Hatcher: Well, you can be white if you are Italian, but not all white people are Italian.

Girl: Can you be brown if you're French?

Mr. Hatcher: People have different skin colors in pretty much every country.

Girl: 'Cause I know a brown French girl.

Mr. Hatcher: Cool. Get back to work.

Other girl at Table 5 trying to get in on the action: Can you be black and white?

Mr. Hatcher: Well, yes you can have a black parent and a whi-

Boy: MICHAEL JACKSON!

Several students: Oh yeah.

After this there was a huge debate about whether or not MJ had a skin condition or if he just "hated being a little black boy." How again does any of this have to do with writing a narrative about going on vacation? I swear I have control of my kids.

A Futuristic Picnic... With Bottles!

The true reason I decided to start this was not to play woe is me about my current job situation. I actually do love my job and my students. I have some wonderfully "special" children in my class and it is them that I want everyone else to know more about. So for the first installment of Problematic Papers, I give you "The Discover of some thing string":

"We finally made it! I shouted to Yohana and Mitsy!
The year is 2200 and landed on a new planet.
We were trying to look for food and fruit and also alot of water. But When we were finding food, water and fruit. We didn't see nothing of all the things we wanted to eat.
First, We go walking on the hills of the mountain. When We go walking we go play then find water, food and fruit again because we were so hungry that I was so tirsty of water and so of eating food and fruit.
Then, We sleep in the night because when it was night we always fall asleep. But when there's sun we wake up. And when we wake up we go find food and fruits and alot of Water together and when we find it we were finding it every where and when we find it every where we saw all of them in the place we were finding it in the place. Next, We were getting every bottle so we could eat food and fruits and water all together in the new planet.
And worried to get every thing that we liked.

I think this student is my favorite writer. Yes, English is a new language, but still. It is fun to try to understand how all of this makes sense when said student is writing it. This is not the last you will hear from this amazing character.

And so it begins...

I didn't really want to do this.

But how can I pass up the opportunity to share with the masses all the amazing stories that come out of my classroom? I got thrown into a position that has strict barriers that keep me from claiming full-time status. Of course these barriers are only of the monetary variety. In fact, I am expected to be a full-time teacher with the same drive, ambition, and dedication as those getting paid two, three, and four times the amount of money I do each month. No, no. Being new warrants me needing to show more drive, ambition, and dedication than my veteran counterparts. Now I realize not many of us in the field of public service are in it for the money. I certainly understood this as I watched my student loans pile higher than I would be able to clear within twenty years of working as a teacher. However, let us realize that I am not even really part-time. No. That is too high-class for someone like me. I am an hourly teacher. My hours begin when the bell rings and end five minutes before my students leave my classroom. Yes, before. Again, I knew full well that teachers, as many other professionals, put in much more time than for which they are monetarily compensated. Here comes the problem, though. I am merely whining if I point out that a field trip that lasts until 1:00 is rather disappointing since it means I will be working an hour for free. On a school bus. With thirty 10-year olds. By myself. This may not sting so much if my partner teacher (a full-time teacher and lifetime lunatic) did not get to use this extra hour to sit on her ass at school. In her classroom. By herself. Oh, and she gets paid for that. And she also gets the respect and designation as the students' real teacher. I am sorry if it is whining, but I should be entitled. Who likes doing work for free? And maybe worse than the lack of money, is the lack of credit.

This particular episode is only one in a long line of daily inequities I face in my position of Title I Reading Intervention Specialist which is really Option 2 Fourth Grade Teacher which is really Fourth Grade Job-Share Teacher which is really Do Everything Except Teach Kids Math But Also Teach Kids Math Because There Isn't Enough Time In The Afternoon And Don't Complain But Listen To Partner Teacher Complain Everyday About Being Diabetic And Hating Life.

No, I am not a normal teacher. However, I am definitely not a Nothing. My position simply doesn't make sense. So until interviews come around again, and the miracles of St. Obama allow throngs of teachers the financial stability to retire, I will simply be a Fourth Grade... Something.